I Feel Misunderstood- A Story About Invisable Illnesses

Today starts the Balance Awareness Week so therefore I wanted to use my blog to something a bit more serious than fashion. This will be a post filled with thoughts and anger about something that it's difficult for some people to understand. Invisible illnesses. Since so many people I meet in my life seem to have little knowledge about this (yes, that is me saying in a kind way that some people are so ignorant and rude about something they can't see), I thought I would clear a few things up, because being on the receiving end of ignorance is rarely fun!

The last year has been a long fight health wise for me. Or more than the last year, as I was diagnosed with Menieres disease in 2012. This illness has made my life so much harder in more than one way. I have reduced hearing on my left ear so I have to wear a hearing aid. I also have a horrible high pitch sound in my ear day out and day in, better know as Tinnitus. But the worst part of this illness is that I get attacks from time to time that makes me dizzy(Vertigo) and nauseas. It can be easier described as the feeling of being constantly seasick while an attack lasts. An attack can last from a few minutes to days and it can come whenever. This makes it very distressing and unpredictable. It leaves me with anxiety for falling, especially in public places(such as if I take a train or a tube I get scared about falling onto the track). So I don't like being on my own anymore. I can't drive, it affects my work as I either have to take sick days and/or gives me concentration problems at work.   
The last year my health has become radically worse. A year ago I started fainting for no reason, feeling numb, having a real difficulty with my concentration and after a year of tests, scans and consultations I'm not much wiser to why I'm feeling like I am. Doctors has talked about that it might be young onset of Parkinson's due to a lot of different factors and also heritage as my mum and grandmother had it. Still doing tests for this so I will leave that for now. I try to stay positive till they know any more, but that is not easy for someone who struggle with depression and anxiety. 

I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager and have been trying all kind of treatment for it. Medication, counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy(CBT) or psychotherapyIn addition to this I have been diagnosed for two different personality disorders

Mental problems are more than just being scared sometimes or feeling low sometimes. I can't just pull myself together. Don't you think I have tried to overcome my fears? Do you think I want to feel like this? And don't say that "it's all about how you think." Everyone that knows me well know I'm very positive and enthusiastic. I try to surround myself with positivity, positive people and I'm always aware of living life to the fullest despite my illnesses. I can't stand people with negative attitudes that think that they have a right to judge me because I'm not having a visible illness. Would it have been easier for YOU to respect me and see my pain if I had some illness YOU could see? Would it have been easier to not ask stupid questions like "Why don't you go to the shop, when you can go on the train to London?" or "why don't you just try and think differently, focus on the positives in your life?" I've heard it all,"it's just attention seeking", "it's always a drama with me", "it can't be that bad" cause I'm is doing other things and so on. Don't you think I try to conquer my fears? I work with myself and my inner fears every day. Every second of the day. It never stops. It's always there with me. I work on it for my own sake, so I can be happy. 

I have thought a lot about how my life would have been if I had never been sick , if I had never been bullied, lost my parents at a young age, been in an abusive relationship at a young age etc. . I thought it was so incredibly unfair that I had been given this life. But with time, my thinking around this changed. Everything I have experienced has made me who I am today. Yes, everything! I have grown because of it. It has made me stronger, and it has made me think more positively. I really do appreciate the little things . It may sound like a cliché, but it's so so true. The experiences has cost me so much. It has been incredibly hard, yet I would not trade places with anyone else. I would not trade my experiences and knowledge and strength it has given me. It 's easy to be bitter when you end up in this situation , but I have tried to turn it around. I now look at my history of illness as a resource. And it's positive! I know many people you meet in life, such as employers, can look at psychiatric problems as a negative thing, but it isn't. Without my past I don't think I would be who I am today - strong, hard working, wise, kind, deep, empathetic and caring.

I do feel misunderstood of a few people. I know I'm different. I know I'm a bit of an outsider. I don't watch trashy TV or read trashy magazines, I value learning instead and find great joy and relaxation in this. I do like studying and learning. It doesn't make me a bad person for that reason does it? It doesn't mean that I'm boring and dull even if I can't participate in the everyday chit chat about who was evicted in X-factor or Big Brother. I know I'm extremely sensitive to bad comments and abrupt comments, but that is because I hate evilness and conflicts. Yes, we are different, but that goes both ways! I get easily excited and want to share my good news or the opportunities life gives me with everyone that I know. That doesn't mean that it is me bragging. I'm not a bragging person, but more than once I've been left feeling like I've been given something I don't deserve. It's just that I get so happy and want to share my happiness with people. People are difficult to understand sometimes as jealousy is a strong power in many of us. Thinking "why can't I get the same opportunities as she does?" is probably natural, but it is not like things are being given to me for free. I do work hard to get where I am today, maybe even harder than you think due to my physical and mental disability. Cause yes, it is a disability even if it can't be seen.

Xxx Mookie


  1. Hello,
    I enjoy reading your blog. I am hearing impaired and also suffer from tinnitus so I can relate very much to the hidden disability. I too get depressed and worry about how my husband must feel when I have to ask him to repeat something. Also my daughter has to repeat herself and I get frustrated when I don't hear all they say. The tinnitus can be quite bothersome at times especially when I am tired or stressed out. You are a positive person and I appreciate you taking the time to write all you do.

    1. Aww thank you for the kind words. I can fully relate to what you are telling. It's very frustrating when people has to ask you over and over again. I try to be positive and enjoy life despite this horrible illness. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog :)

  2. Thank you for writing this. I can relate to the hidden disability as I am hearing impaired and suffer from tinnitus.